Life Update

Hi.

It’s me again.

It has been way over 1 year since I last wrote on here.

Let me tell you what I have been up to.

To begin, since I last posted, I started graduate school for my Master’s degree in nursing at the university’s Family Nurse Practitioner program. That is why I have not been able to write here. I have just been studying and writing term paper after term paper. In addition to that, just a few months ago, I started my first clinical rotation. All of this while I work part-time as a nurse. Even if my graduate school and work are both part-time, it still feels like they are actually full-time. It is difficult and exhausting, but guess what? I am one year away from graduation. I hope.

That brings me to now. I am so busy, but why am I here now? Well, the world is kind of at a pause. Since the beginning of this year, 2020, so much tragic has happened. It began with the eruption of the Taal volcano in the Philippines. Then one of the world’s greatest heroes, Kobe Bryant, along with his daughter, Gianna Bryant, and 7 others tragically died in a helicoptor crash on a foggy, Sunday morning on January 26, 2020. Until this day, every time I think about them or see a photo of Kobe or Gianna, my heart drops and I feel sad. Then around the same time, there was news about a new virus, that is now called the Novel coronavirus or COVID-19, began to takeover news stations and online posts. The world is now on lockdown. We are ordered by our government to stay home to slow the spread of the virus. The lockdown in California began on March 19, 2020. I was at work when I heard the news, and I knew deep inside that things were about to change. Many businesses are closed, except essential businesses like grocery stores, food services, pharmacies, banks, etc. Concerts and music festivals are now cancelled until further notice. Schools are closed. Many parents have to homeschool their children now. Universities, such as my own, are now online classes and my clinical rotations are cancelled. That is why I hope I can graduate on time. As of now, it seems like online classes will continue for the rest of the year. Clinical rotations are still on hold. Stay at home orders keep changing. When it began it was announced that stay at home orders would end until March 30, then it changed to April 30, and now, I believe we are looking at May 15. Since the beginning of this crisis, people are fighting over toilet paper and grocery store shelves are empty. It seem as if almost everyone is in a state of panic. This is the state of the world right now. There is so much uncertainty and panic.

On a lighter note, while I do want to graduate on time, I am kind of glad that clinicals are on hold. Before this entire lockdown happened, I was feeling an anxiety like I have never felt before. I was so stressed and overwhelmed with school and work. I did not have any time to myself. I felt like I was constantly on-the-go with no time to slow down. Since the announcement of online classes and cancellation of clinical rotations, I was a little relieved. Now I have more time to rest and relax, which is what I have been doing this entire time when I am not at work or doing school assignments. It is kind of nice. 

Anyway, this photo above was taken yesterday. It has been raining these past 2-3 weeks. I was alone at home, so I brought my book and my iPad downstairs in the kitchen to study while I softly played lo-fi beats in the background and enjoyed my second cup of tea. It was also when I thought of writing again. I thought it would be nice to write about my thoughts or feelings during these strange times whenever I can.

To whoever is reading this, I hope you are happy, healthy, and safe. Until next time.

xo, J

It's Okay Not to Be Okay

I like to save thoughts on my notes on my phone. Here's an entry from October 10, 2018. It was suicide awareness month, I believe.

Yes, growing up I have learned that "it's okay not to be okay." My best friend actually helped me realize that. Now, it's one of my favorite quotes.

We live in a society that depicts being alone, quiet, and vulnerable is weaken. But I think they're the ones who are strong enough to be alone with their own thoughts about life and come in touch with their own feelings, which not many people can do nowadays. I think they're the most real people. Feelings are what makes us human. So when they reach out to other people or vice versa, they're able to dig deep and feel how others are feeling because they know how sadness, anger, loneliness, confusion, heartbreak, etc. feels like. On the other hand, we need to be a friend to them too. Show them that they matter and who they are is enough. Everybody needs at least one good friend in this crazy world.

Be kind to one another, learn to look for the best in people, and encourage others to be who they are and help each other be the best version of ourselves. We never know what others are going through.

Once In A Lifetime

I find that once in a lifetime opportunities tend to happen at the most unexpected moments.

I was presented today with a very big offer. I am both flattered and proud of myself that I would even be considered to be given such an opportunity; however, given the circumstances that I am going back to school, I feel as if I cannot give my full attention and energy to this opportunity.

It's both uplifting and heartbreaking. Never in a million years did I, "the girl who never talks," think would be where I am now.

It's an opportunity that just came at the wrong time.

Let Me

Let me go.
Let me grow.
Let me make mistakes.
Let me make my own decisions, even if you don't believe it is right.
Let me figure things out on my own; I'll come to you if I need help.
Let me be me.
Let me go out and meet people.
Let me go out and see the world.
Let me figure out what makes me happy.
Let me live my own life.
Be my shoulder to cry on.
Be my advisor.
Be my cheerleader.
Be my friend.

Kina

Her songs are like the voice of my soul, my thoughts, my feelings, my anxieties, and my worries. But her songs has this way of calming me, giving me hope, and making feel like I'm not alone in it all.

(She produced this new album, In The Waiting, all by herself with the help of her record label on Patreon that consisted of her supporters, like myself. We called ourselves KG Records. She shared with us and included us in producing this album. I am deeply in awe of Kina's hard work and dedication for this album, and I am proud to have been in just a tiny part of it.)

I had the opportunity to watch Kina last week on July 11, 2018, at the Teragram Ballroom in LA.

Failures

Last year, I had a bit of a fall out. I was working at this company and I got tired of it, and I wanted to move on with my career. So I found work at a different company, while working part-time at the old company. I was there for 6 months, but things took a turn. Mistakes happened, whether they were my fault or not, it was still deemed to be my fault. Anyway, I was forced to quit that job, and so I went back to the previous company I worked for and I'm still working there until now.

As I think back to that time in my life, I remember feeling how sad I was, how empty I felt, how embarrassed I felt, how anxious I felt, and how much of a failure I felt. It was one to two months of me feeling sorry for myself. I even booked a solo trip to visit my brother and a last minute trip to the Philippines. However, despite all those feelings, I don't regret it. I tried something new and unfortunately, it didn't work out. Regardless of what happened, it was an experience, lessons were learned, and I'm better now. Also, if I hadn't went back to my previous job, then I might not have made the friends I have now.

So when I saw this quote, it struck a heartstring in me because now, I believe that my failure was a blessing in disguise.

"A door closes, and another one opens." Now, I am going back to school for my Master's degree to be a Family Nurse Practitioner and I have new friends who are there to support me on this journey.

Song

Thanks to a friend, I had the opportunity to watch some amazing dancers at the first ever Arena Dance Competition in LA last weekend, June 30, 2018. This is Mike Song. He is one of my favorite dancers. I have been a fan of him since I was in high school, watching him on America's Best Dance Crew with UCI's dance team, Kaba Modern. He is one of the dancers who inspired me to learn how to pop. Going to this dance competition made me miss learning a dance choreography and dancing on stage.