Life Update

Hi.

It’s me again.

It has been way over 1 year since I last wrote on here.

Let me tell you what I have been up to.

To begin, since I last posted, I started graduate school for my Master’s degree in nursing at the university’s Family Nurse Practitioner program. That is why I have not been able to write here. I have just been studying and writing term paper after term paper. In addition to that, just a few months ago, I started my first clinical rotation. All of this while I work part-time as a nurse. Even if my graduate school and work are both part-time, it still feels like they are actually full-time. It is difficult and exhausting, but guess what? I am one year away from graduation. I hope.

That brings me to now. I am so busy, but why am I here now? Well, the world is kind of at a pause. Since the beginning of this year, 2020, so much tragic has happened. It began with the eruption of the Taal volcano in the Philippines. Then one of the world’s greatest heroes, Kobe Bryant, along with his daughter, Gianna Bryant, and 7 others tragically died in a helicoptor crash on a foggy, Sunday morning on January 26, 2020. Until this day, every time I think about them or see a photo of Kobe or Gianna, my heart drops and I feel sad. Then around the same time, there was news about a new virus, that is now called the Novel coronavirus or COVID-19, began to takeover news stations and online posts. The world is now on lockdown. We are ordered by our government to stay home to slow the spread of the virus. The lockdown in California began on March 19, 2020. I was at work when I heard the news, and I knew deep inside that things were about to change. Many businesses are closed, except essential businesses like grocery stores, food services, pharmacies, banks, etc. Concerts and music festivals are now cancelled until further notice. Schools are closed. Many parents have to homeschool their children now. Universities, such as my own, are now online classes and my clinical rotations are cancelled. That is why I hope I can graduate on time. As of now, it seems like online classes will continue for the rest of the year. Clinical rotations are still on hold. Stay at home orders keep changing. When it began it was announced that stay at home orders would end until March 30, then it changed to April 30, and now, I believe we are looking at May 15. Since the beginning of this crisis, people are fighting over toilet paper and grocery store shelves are empty. It seem as if almost everyone is in a state of panic. This is the state of the world right now. There is so much uncertainty and panic.

On a lighter note, while I do want to graduate on time, I am kind of glad that clinicals are on hold. Before this entire lockdown happened, I was feeling an anxiety like I have never felt before. I was so stressed and overwhelmed with school and work. I did not have any time to myself. I felt like I was constantly on-the-go with no time to slow down. Since the announcement of online classes and cancellation of clinical rotations, I was a little relieved. Now I have more time to rest and relax, which is what I have been doing this entire time when I am not at work or doing school assignments. It is kind of nice. 

Anyway, this photo above was taken yesterday. It has been raining these past 2-3 weeks. I was alone at home, so I brought my book and my iPad downstairs in the kitchen to study while I softly played lo-fi beats in the background and enjoyed my second cup of tea. It was also when I thought of writing again. I thought it would be nice to write about my thoughts or feelings during these strange times whenever I can.

To whoever is reading this, I hope you are happy, healthy, and safe. Until next time.

xo, J

It's Okay Not to Be Okay

I like to save thoughts on my notes on my phone. Here's an entry from October 10, 2018. It was suicide awareness month, I believe.

Yes, growing up I have learned that "it's okay not to be okay." My best friend actually helped me realize that. Now, it's one of my favorite quotes.

We live in a society that depicts being alone, quiet, and vulnerable is weaken. But I think they're the ones who are strong enough to be alone with their own thoughts about life and come in touch with their own feelings, which not many people can do nowadays. I think they're the most real people. Feelings are what makes us human. So when they reach out to other people or vice versa, they're able to dig deep and feel how others are feeling because they know how sadness, anger, loneliness, confusion, heartbreak, etc. feels like. On the other hand, we need to be a friend to them too. Show them that they matter and who they are is enough. Everybody needs at least one good friend in this crazy world.

Be kind to one another, learn to look for the best in people, and encourage others to be who they are and help each other be the best version of ourselves. We never know what others are going through.

Once In A Lifetime

I find that once in a lifetime opportunities tend to happen at the most unexpected moments.

I was presented today with a very big offer. I am both flattered and proud of myself that I would even be considered to be given such an opportunity; however, given the circumstances that I am going back to school, I feel as if I cannot give my full attention and energy to this opportunity.

It's both uplifting and heartbreaking. Never in a million years did I, "the girl who never talks," think would be where I am now.

It's an opportunity that just came at the wrong time.

Let Me

Let me go.
Let me grow.
Let me make mistakes.
Let me make my own decisions, even if you don't believe it is right.
Let me figure things out on my own; I'll come to you if I need help.
Let me be me.
Let me go out and meet people.
Let me go out and see the world.
Let me figure out what makes me happy.
Let me live my own life.
Be my shoulder to cry on.
Be my advisor.
Be my cheerleader.
Be my friend.

Kina

Her songs are like the voice of my soul, my thoughts, my feelings, my anxieties, and my worries. But her songs has this way of calming me, giving me hope, and making feel like I'm not alone in it all.

(She produced this new album, In The Waiting, all by herself with the help of her record label on Patreon that consisted of her supporters, like myself. We called ourselves KG Records. She shared with us and included us in producing this album. I am deeply in awe of Kina's hard work and dedication for this album, and I am proud to have been in just a tiny part of it.)

I had the opportunity to watch Kina last week on July 11, 2018, at the Teragram Ballroom in LA.

Failures

Last year, I had a bit of a fall out. I was working at this company and I got tired of it, and I wanted to move on with my career. So I found work at a different company, while working part-time at the old company. I was there for 6 months, but things took a turn. Mistakes happened, whether they were my fault or not, it was still deemed to be my fault. Anyway, I was forced to quit that job, and so I went back to the previous company I worked for and I'm still working there until now.

As I think back to that time in my life, I remember feeling how sad I was, how empty I felt, how embarrassed I felt, how anxious I felt, and how much of a failure I felt. It was one to two months of me feeling sorry for myself. I even booked a solo trip to visit my brother and a last minute trip to the Philippines. However, despite all those feelings, I don't regret it. I tried something new and unfortunately, it didn't work out. Regardless of what happened, it was an experience, lessons were learned, and I'm better now. Also, if I hadn't went back to my previous job, then I might not have made the friends I have now.

So when I saw this quote, it struck a heartstring in me because now, I believe that my failure was a blessing in disguise.

"A door closes, and another one opens." Now, I am going back to school for my Master's degree to be a Family Nurse Practitioner and I have new friends who are there to support me on this journey.

Song

Thanks to a friend, I had the opportunity to watch some amazing dancers at the first ever Arena Dance Competition in LA last weekend, June 30, 2018. This is Mike Song. He is one of my favorite dancers. I have been a fan of him since I was in high school, watching him on America's Best Dance Crew with UCI's dance team, Kaba Modern. He is one of the dancers who inspired me to learn how to pop. Going to this dance competition made me miss learning a dance choreography and dancing on stage.

This Is It!

I did it!! I got accepted for admission to the MSN Family Nurse Practitioner program at California State University, San Marcos.
The adventures continue...

Ice Cream

Ice cream. I love ice cream. I never turn down ice cream. Some of my coworkers and I went out for a quick break to go to the ice cream shop across the street, and I couldn't help but to think and laugh at myself for how much I love ice cream.

My favorite memories of my time in Italy 2 years ago was exploring the city while eating gelato. Delizioso!

After a long day at work, sometimes my stress reliever is ice cream.

After a long and eventful week at work, my stress reliever is ice cream, even if I have to drive almost 1 hour to get to my favorite ice cream shop from work.

If I feel sad or lonely, aside from reaching out to a close friend or listening to music, I go out and get myself my favorite ice cream.

If I'm feeling like I need something sweet after a meal and I still have room in my stomach, my go to dessert is ice cream.

Affogato?? Have you ever tried it? It's vanilla ice cream topped with hot espresso. Delizioso!

Ice cream topped with sweet wine or a sweet vinegar is also amazing! And yes, I have tried ice cream with whiskey reduction and it was amazing!

Ice cream with cake? Amazing! Ice cream with cookies? Amazing!

Ice cream everything!

I love ice cream.

lol

Share Your Blessings

I have always been a strong believer of the saying, "The more you give, the more you will receive in return." Sometimes the reward won't come to you right away, but when it does, it feels great. Also, it's always a simple joy for me to see someone smile and appreciate what I give. That's the best reward in itself.

When you receive something of value, do you ever have the urge to share it?

3AM Gem

One night, about 2 years ago, I had difficulty falling asleep. Those 3AM thoughts were creeping in, and my brain just would not shut up. I was browsing inspirational quotes online and found this gem. Probably one of my favorite things I found on the internet.

Hey

Hi.

Wow. It's been a long while. I just finished reading all my old blogs from years ago. It made me realize just how much I missed writing my thoughts and feelings. It also made me realize just how much I have changed since then, and how much I grew up and how much growing up I still have yet to do. My last blog post was just after my first trip to New York back in 2013. Here I am, 5 years later, and a lot has happened since then.

Reading my old blogs has inspired me to start writing again. We'll see how long this will last.

Let's start again, yeah? Let me start by updating you about my life.

Back in 2013, I was still in the middle of nursing school. Well, I have graduated since then. On December 13, 2014, I graduated from California State University, San Bernardino with a Bachelor's Degree in Nursing. To celebrate, my entire family, including a close friend of mine and other relatives, went to the Philippines to celebrate. It was the first time in 10 years that the entire family went on a vacation together to the Philippines. It was a whole family reunion! Probably marks one of the most fun and memorable trips to the Philippines ever! One of the most memorable parts of that trip was letting go and getting drunk and wasted on the front porch of a beach side resort with my cousins, brother, and uncle. We finished an entire gallon of cheap whiskey from Costco, taking turns doing shots. We were loud. Laughing. Thoughts and feelings were said. We were up for hours into the night after a long day of travel and activities from 4:00 AM in Manila to Subic. The entire resort was pitch black, except the light from our front porch. Then just imagine waking up the next morning, hungover, and trying to get onto a boat to do island hopping. Fun times. My parents also had their silver wedding (25 years). They renewed their vows at the backyard of my aunt's house. Their close friend who's a priest, the same person who led their wedding 25 years ago, did the ceremony. It was a luau themed celebration. It was not only my parents' wedding anniversary, but also a huge family reunion. Each family did a performance. Of course, my cousins, friend, and I did a dance, and not only did we dance it once, but we were asked to do an encore! During that trip, we also took a side trip to Beijing, China. I climbed the Great Wall of China. There is a famous Chinese saying, "You are not a real hero until you've climbed the Great Wall of China." Well, I am now a real hero.

Fast forward a little bit, I took the dreaded NCLEX on April 1, 2015, on April Fool's Day, and I discovered that I passed the exam and became a Registered Nurse in California on April 4, 2015. I remember waking up at about 4:30 AM, checking the Board of Registered Nursing website to find my name on there with the title "REGISTERED NURSE" next to it. I remember taking a screenshot of it and sending it to my entire family whilst tears in my eyes.

10 days later, I landed a nursing job in the city of Hemet. My first job ever! A place where I go to work with anxiety everyday, but also a place where I feel I have grown and where I built relationships and discovered a lot about myself. I still work there to this day.

December 7, 2015, a new member of the family was born. My baby cousin.

Then in April of 2016, to celebrate my 25th birthday and all that I have accomplished in the last year, I went on my first solo trip with a travel company, Contiki, to Italy. A trip where I made friends from all over the world. One of the most memorable moments of that trip was on my actual birthday. It was a Wednesday. We were scheduled to go to the Vatican. My ultimate goal was to go there and make a wish at the most famous Catholic churches in the world. Little did I know, I was going to see the pope too! He comes out every Wednesday. It was an emotional moment. I'll share about it in a future post perhaps.

Later that same year, I got a new job, but it did not turn out very well, so I went back to my old job in Hemet. Which made me sad because I really wanted to move on with my career, but at the same time, after much tears and thinking, it was kind of a blessing in disguise. I made friends. Friendships that I hope will last a long time, and I believe it will. As much as that place gives me so much of an emotional rollercoaster, I love the people I work with there.

Anyway, because I left my other job, I went on a solo trip to Charleston, South Carolina, to visit my brother, who by the way, joined the navy while he was still in college and who graduated from college in 2015 with a Bachelor's Degree in Mathematics. I needed a week to get away from my life for a little bit and focus on myself and planning for my future career. Afterwards, I also flew to the Philippines in April 2017 during Holy Week. I was only there for 10 days to experience Holy Week in the Philippines for the first time. I also did something crazy with one of my best friends. On Easter day, we hiked all the way up to Mount Pinatubo's volcanic crater. We literally hiked through different terrains. We were covered in dust and soaked in our sweat and rain. But the feeling of accomplishment when you reach the top and you see that beautiful view is like no other feeling in the world!

Later that same year, at the end of October and early November 2017, I went on a solo trip to Greece. It was one of the most relaxing 11 days because I got to do whatever I wanted. It was an experience I'll never forget, and most likely an experience I'll do again. Greeks are so nice and very hospitable. They reminded me a lot of the Filipino culture. I also pretty much ate my way through Greece. Greeks love to eat!

Oh! The Digbyholics. The people I so often talked about here. They're still around. We've all grown up too. We still see Marie and her family once in a while too. In fact, we kind of had a mini reunion recently, in which we also realized we've all been friends for 10 years.

Now, here we are in 2018. I recently finished my applications for my Master's to nurse practitioner programs in 3 different schools. I am now anxiously waiting for results. It's funny. I started this blog while I was in college waiting to be accepted into the nursing program. Now, here I am 5 years later, waiting to be accepted into a nurse practitioner program and anxiously waiting for what is in store for my future.

I'm not as anxious as I was then, though. I have grown up to know that no matter what the results are, life moves on and the only thing I can do is keep moving forward. I have learned to accept that life doesn't always happen the way you plan it to be.

I hope to keep this whole blogging thing up again. I look forward to sharing my thoughts, feelings, and things I love again. As a reminder, if I write anything that may offend you, I apologize in advance.

In the end, I just hope you find a little love and hope in your life with the things I will write and share with you here.

xo, J

Elphaba

I had the most amazing experience of being able to watch this woman perform live as Elphaba in the hit Broadway show, Wicked, in NYC.  This song isn't in that Broadway show, but I just wanted to showcase just how she could really make a character come to life through singing and acting and do it really well.  I just remember watching her on stage and being blown away by her talents.  She puts in so much emotion when she sings, and it is breathtaking to watch and it leaves me with chills.

Amazing!  I'm a new fan.  :)

Magnificent Rainbow

I just came back from the gym.  It always feels good walking out of the gym.  I feel like I accomplished something.  haha

Anyway, there has been some summer thunderstorms here in the past 2 days.  Today, when I stepped out of that gym, I experienced "Neon Rain" and saw a full, arched rainbow right above me.  It was pretty magnificent.  Then in the distance, I can see the sun setting behind the rocky California mountains, setting off a yellow-orange glow in the overcast sky.

These past 2 overcast summer days were pretty amazing.  Lonely, but the weather made up for it.  Its just really really humid.  But it didn't bother me much.  All the rain and humidity kind of reminded me of my second home (if you know what I mean), which was nice.  Little piece of home.

:)

Gummy Bears

I just woke up from a dream that it was raining gummy bears.

lol

Butterfly

Quiet Time

Everybody has those moments when sadness or stress creeps upon them.  Today, I realize just how important quiet time is.  I was feeling lonely, so I spent a while out in my backyard by my dog's grave.  I just sat there talking to her (like I would when she was still here), enjoying the breeze, listening to the leaves move in the wind, and talking to the sky.  I miss my little dear friend terribly, especially at times when I feel sad or stressed.  She had a way to make me smile despite of my mood.  You can call me crazy, but she was my best friend when I didn't have any friends.  When I think I've moved on, I guess I really haven't.  It still hurts deeply to know that she's gone.  In time, I know things will get better.  For now, I'm just taking it day by day.
Anyway, quiet time gave me time to reflect about what really matters.  I need to be strong and learn to smile and laugh again.

Chasing The Sun

If you haven't heard already, Sara Bareilles released a new album titled The Blessed Unrest.  Although, this album may sound a little different than her previous albums, it still highlights her powerful voice and moving lyrics.  This one is titled "Chasing The Sun" which reminds us all that "life is not meant to be wasted."  This is one of my many favorites from her new album.  Get yourself a copy!!  I promise you won't be disappointed.

Alone

I'm having the hardest time falling asleep tonight, even music isn't helping much. I pray, but tears keep coming. Brain won't shut up. That reoccuring nightmare! I'm scared.

I feel very much alone.

Sorry. Just had to let this out. I didn't know who to tell or if I should even tell someone, so I just wrote it here. I kinda feel better. Thanks. G'night.

Summer Nights

The best part about summer are summer nights.  I remember when I was little I used to hangout on my parents' balcony and camp in a box opened on both ends.  I'd put a blanket over the box and crawl inside with a pillow.  I would lay there in the dark and enjoy the night air.  Sometimes my mom or dad would join me.  :)

xo, J