Nightmares

One night, I had 2 nightmares in a row.  This dream was months ago and I can't get it out of my head, and I wasn't brave enough to share it then.  But I am going to now.

First one, was me standing at the edge of a cliff or mountain side.  It was a beautiful view.  Lots of green trees and a cool breeze.  But here is the catch: I wanted to jump off.  I remember feeling angry at myself and at the world, and I just wanted to "leave."  However, there was one particular person (I'm not going to say who).  This person was standing not too far behind me and telling me not to do it.  I remember looking at this person and then jumping off.  Then I woke up terrified and confused.

Second one, after I recuperated from the last dream, I dreamed about my death again, except this time I was running away from something and I got caught.  Then I was murdered.  Obviously, this one was a lot scarier.  But here is the catch: The same person was there!!  This time the person just watched in horror and cried when I died.  I watched this person mourn over my death.  Then I saw all these people at my funeral.  Then I woke up confused and feeling like I needed to cry.

All I can say from this is, the first one surprised me because if there is one thing I'm most afraid of, it's dying. And I was surprised I decided to jump off the cliff.  The second one, come to think of it, is another fear of mine.  My fear of leaving behind people that I care about most.  In addition, let me remind you, this is the first time I have ever shared this...in my middle school years and some time in high school, I used to think a lot about what life would be like if I never existed, or I disappeared, or if I died.  Would there be people at my funeral?  Who would be affected?  Will any of my friends be there?  All these questions!!  It all sounds really selfish.  I know.  But I was lonely.  I didn't have anyone to talk to, so I thought about these things.
But if you look at it this way, these dreams tell me something.  There is some sort of truth behind these dreams.  Not only do they represent my fears, but they also represent my values.  I live to see beautiful views.  I want to see the world.  I live to love those I care about.  And these dreams told me that there are people who care about me, even if they're not always there.  But I am having a hard time believing that lately.
However, on the other hand, that person who was in my dreams is a real person in reality.  Always there.  And I believe it because this person makes me believe it.

Isn't it amazing how dreams are like a reflection of what you are facing in reality?

Anyway, I searched the meaning behind dreams about death and I found this really nice post from the Huffington Post.  Here's the link if you want to read about it.  It's actually quite meaningful. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/07/13/dreams-about-death_n_891555.html

xo, J

P.S. Don't worry.  I'm not going to do anything stupid.  I promise.  :)